Invisible fish [13 July 2001|07:16pm]
Today I became the proud owner of a tank full of imaginary fish. I bought my fish tank second hand off a friend about 2 months ago, setting the tank up had to wait as money has been on the absent side for a long while now.
this week I got a cheque for the back pay of some benefit that I had waited 13 weeks for so I decided it was time to fill up the tank.
My youngest daughter had asked if we could have tropical fish and tired of saying no, we can't afford it, this time I decided somehow the answer had to be yes.
So today I set up the tank, heaters, filters, lights, stand, ornaments. All in all it cost a pretty penny and of course no fish can go in it for at least 2 weeks as the filtration system has to develop the appropriate bacteria.
So when they got home from school I introduced my children to the tank of invisible fish. We have invisible guppies, invisible tetra's, invisible mollies and 2 invisible albino catfish. My youngest son says you can even see the bubbles created as they move around.
I'm so glad my children share my vivid imagination.
For the next 2 weeks we're going to enjoy our invisible fish, it'll be kind of sad when they get replaced with the real ones.
It occurs to me that my life has been full of imaginary fish, the perfect parents to replace my defective ones, the perfect husband to replace the alcoholics, and tantrumming children I married, the cottage with roses around the door that exists still somewhere in the back of my mind. I have always had the capacity to fill the emptiness with a world of my choosing, or look inwards to bask in the wonders there.
The only thing is that like imaginary fish I never quite seem to belong, too rare and different for this world. Only in the eyes of my children do I become real, solid, a place and purpose found. But even they recognise that I am different, unique, at times they bask and glory in this difference and gain strength from the permission to be whoever, and whatever they choose. At times they pull away from the strangeness and say why can't you be like other mothers.
My greatest wish is that they grow up with the ability to see, and live with, and love and value imaginary fish. But that they themselves find a place, a nook, a corner, an identity, a way to say "I belong". To be themselves but of this world, belonging not apart. Real.
Children Fighting [14 Jul 2001|07:17pm]
[ mood | amused ]
After breaking up another battle I can't help but wonder why do my children fight all the time. Why do they seem to hate each other.?
Never a day goes past when they don't argue about something, and that arguing normally leeds to one or the other hitting out. I've tried leaving them to it rather than breaking them up but that just leads to escalating violence. None of them know where to stop.
It's strange I hate violence, though I have hit out on rare occasions, just where did they learn to react to anger with such violence.
When am I going to decide what I want, I worry when they're like me, and I worry when they're so different from me. I guess worrying's just part of a parents job.
But I do wish they wouldn't fight.
So Quiet [17 Jul 2001|07:18pm]
no noise, no arguments, no screams,
It's been a very quiet day,
the only sound the telly burbling in the background
how I miss the sound of children,
so peacefull I can hear the filter burbling in the tank.
Access visits good for them, good for me
A welcome break, and yet
Somebody bring back the fighting.
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Flying the Coop [18 jul 2001|07:19pm]
Well my eldest has found his wings at last, he's 18 and for the last 6 months has lived in a flat just 10 minutes away from where I live, so if he had any problems or just wanted a meal cooking he could pop in.
Well next week he moves away to Colchester, which is about 100 miles away. He's moving in with his girlfriend (whom I only found out about 3 days ago cos he's a secrative lad) and her 6 year old son.
He's also got himself a job in systems and admin, which I'm very glad about as he has been unemployed for 5 months.
Funny we spend their childhood teaching them to be independant, to make their own decisions, hoping to instill in them the tools needed for a sucessfull adult life. Then when he finally grows up and flies the coop I feel kind of weepy and sad, whilst at the same time being happy for him, and proud of him.
Well nobody said being a parent was supposed to be easy, but I never thought it would be this difficult to watch him mature. I still worry about him, it's not going to be easy taking on a 6 year old child at his age, but I know he can manage. It's not my job anymore to nurture, or protect. And I quite like this new adult relationship we're developing. And I look forward to being a step-granny, but it still feels kind of strange.
Baby's Home [22 Aug 2001|07:20pm]
Well my eldest son came Monday, things didn't work out for him and he asked if we had room for him to come back.
Had room, we found room, don't matter if they're 76 there'll always be room for my children to come back.
I'm sad and happy all at the same time, sad that things didn't work out for him, but happy that he's home. Why does nobody tell you before you have them just how difficult watching them test their wings really is.
He's a bit up and down but doing o.k. and I'm managing not to smother him :)
Maybe this letting go gets easier each time
So Fast [22 Aug 2002|07:30pm]
My eldest daughter seems to be growing up so fast, becoming responsible and reliable, just too fast.
Last week whilst we were on holiday she arranged for her cat to go to a rescue center with other cats, probarbly the most reliable thing she's ever done. Since her cat was a kitten we've always had simba my husbands cat, well he took Simba to live with him 2 months ago and Tiny just couldn't adjust, she pined for him and was losing weight drastically, she needs the company of other cats and we just can't manage 2 pets, so she did the responsible thing and let him go to a home the other side of Leicester which always has several cats, and never puts them down he'll be much happier.
And just to prove she's growing up she hits me in the face with the news that her and her boyfriend want to get engaged at christmas. Of course I think at 16 that she's far too young, after all I was engaged to her father at 16 and look where that got me. But I will support her rather than oppose her. I told her that it had to be her decision but she needs to be sure that whatever she does it's because SHE want to, not what somebody else wants.
Why can't my babies stay babies for just a little longer, mind they'll always be my babies even when they draw their pensions.
I always thought that as my children got older I would feel older too, but I don't inside I'm just as young as ever, an 18 year old in a 40 year old body. How can they be adults when I'm still a child :)
Changing Tracks [22 Aug 2002|08:21pm]
It's funny I've always worried because I'm an expert in self sabotage. Every time I achieve or come close to achieving something good I find a way to shoot myself in the foot. To jump of the train just before it reaches the station. I've always connected this to my poor self esteem, my feelings deep down of being a fraud, not quite good enough. But this week I've been bowled over by a blinding flash of inspiration, I jump the tracks cos deep down I'm heading for the wrong station, each time my goals have been, what I thought they should be, what I thought would finally get my parents approval.
A never ending cry of please notice me this time, look aren't I doing well, the academic route I took in my 30's, the business I started, deep down inside they were the things that I thought would make my parents proud. Yes I enjoy my hypnosis qualifications, but I don't want to run a business, I don't know what I want yet, but I do know it needs to be something mor creative, something me. And I also know that when I find it I'll recognise it, I just know for now that I am enjoying being at home with my children, designing web sites and graphics, and I don't want to do that as a business.
I think I just want to do any part time job which will bring in enough money to live on, leaving me as much time as possible to explore my art, my poetry, my soul, and to enjoy my children.
So why did I have to be 40 before I realised this? It's taken me all this time to start discovering what I want. to recognise which needs are truly mine and which mere trappings of the mask I wore for so long.
Guess what at last I enjoy being me.
Invisible Me? Not any more. [23 Aug 2001|07:23pm]
Today I found on my hard drive a poem I wrote just a few months ago. It struck me just how much my approach, my attitude have changed recently.
The Invisible Woman
You think you see me,
When you see the wife, the mother,
the sister, the daughter.
But I am not the roles I play.
I am the invisible woman.
I tend and nurture,
Cook and clean,
Listen and hold,
You recognise my deeds, But I am not seen.
I am the invisible woman.
You see my arms to hold you,
My ears to pour your troubles into,
My lips which send forth words of love and comfort.
All these I am, but they are not me.
I am the invisible woman.
I have needs too, Who reaches out to comfort me.
Who tends my hurts, absorbs my pain.
When I cry out, bleeding tears of frustration,
No one, hears, no one sees me.
I am the invisible woman.
I was obviously feeling unwanted, lonely, living with a negative outlook when I wrote that. Now I realise that I am only invisible when I allow myself to be. That I have the right to demand respect, to have my needs recognised and filled too.
Invisible woman, not any more, no more footprints on my back, nor more deaf ears to my pleas, when I call out then somebody better listen, ignore me if they dare.
Like the lioness defending her prey, the lonely child inside of me is now under the care of a larger, stronger, more positive aspect. I'll save the darkness for the bedroom :)
Look at me what do you see? 300 lbs of fat, judged for my appearance. Lazy, dirty, stupid, do you think these words are interchangeable with fat.
Look again, look closer now, see the gleam of intelligence, the iron rod of determination, the scars of a less than satisfactory childhood, realise the fat is just the wall I hide behind. Judge me if you want, it doesn't matter anymore because I've just discovered something really important. The only judgement that matters is mine.
So dissapointed [24 Aug 2001|07:29pm]
We have decided as a family to have a dog or a puppy, we have been looking in the papers, ads in shops, phoning the rescue centre.
Today the RSPCA said they had several dogs and suggested we come up and look at them. Most of the dogs they had were too big, of the 5 that were the right size 2 were reserved and the other 2 were escape artists, one by digging under and the other by climbing over fences, as my fence is only 3ft hight none of these were suitable for us.
So we carry on looking, knowing that if we persevere we will find the right dog for us. It was a very quiet journey back, because deep down I think we had all expected to find a suitable dog, to pick one today and then collect it next wednesday, this time it just wasn't meant to be.
Somehow the kids don't believe that having a dog will be all the more special for the wait. And don't appreciate my suggestion that we extend our collection of invisible fish to include an invisible dog. I hope we find a dog soon.
meet Bella [29 Aug 2001|07:31pm]
Finally got our new puppy today and she was well worth the wait, she cost a little more than I really wanted to pay but I don't care.
She's beautifull, and friendly, and seems to be a quick learner.
She's only 6 and 1/2 weeks old but near enough fully toilet trained, and walks quite nicely on a lead.
I'm glad we waited for the right dog.
Tried to take a photo of her with my not very good electronic camera, it's not brilliant but here goes anyhow
Obsession [31 Aug 2001|07:34pm]
[ mood | amused ]
All of my life I've been one of those people who jump into things with both feet, find something that interests me and for a while it becomes my major focus, doing, trying, reading or learning about it.
A few examples,
Hypnotherapy - became really interested during my degree, spent over £1000 on post graduate course, became qualified hypnotherapist.
Present husband
Met him, took him home for wine and pizza, he slept at his home twice between last night and the day I married him. We don't live together any more though we still have a relationship of sorts.
Crystals
Became interested, met several healers, bought variety of crystals, read, read, and read some more, am creating some pages on crystals for my web site.
It occurred to me tonight that I am being just as obsessive about OD, ok not about writing my diary but about reading others. I have 18 diaries in my favourites list, with the no of entries in each ranging from 17 to 738, and I am slowly working my way throught each of these diaries, reading them from their very first to their most recent entry, mind I am leaving the one with 738 entries to last.
Then it occurred to me that the fact that I have decided this behaviour is obsessive is perhaps beings obsessed with being obsessive ;)
Funnily enough in life there are 3 things I'm not obsessive about, dieting (anethma, don't do it, may occasionally follow sensible eating patterns), running my childrens lives (I encourage them to run their own) and choosing my puppy (I actually waited for the right one to come along).
I wonder if it says something about me that I took more care choosing a puppy than I did choosing a husband. All 3 times. (That's 3 husbands not 3 puppies). Maybe I knew a puppy was for life and for me husbands weren't.
Allright I didn't treat my marriages in such a slapstick fashion as that suggests, I just married the wrong men. Husband no1 was a secret drinker, an alcoholic who left me 2 years after he became sober to shack up with another former alcoholic. Husband No 2 was an alcoholic who I forced to believe when his behaviour became intolerable, in 4 years he moved from crying to me about his mum when he was drunk, to calling me names, to threatening me, to mild violence poking, prodding, throwing things at me, I got out at this point because I'd watched my sisters marriage slide down this slippery slope to the point where he nearly killed her.
Husband no 3 hardly drinks, and for 3 years before we got married I thought I'd got it right at last. But then we wed and he underwent a startling transformation, I think he got old of a batch of Dr Jeckyll's potions. He was fine with me but unpleasant to my children, no was his first reaction, he swore at them, was generally unpleasant and was physical on 2 occasions. We had some long talks, went to marriage guidance counselling (he attended 1 session), and in the end it was decided that he would move out but we would still see each other. Guess I'm a better manipulator than I realised because he still thinks it was his idea to go. He's much better with the kids now but none of us will ever forget some of the things he said. And to be honest I don't love him anymore, my love was fragile and he broke it. But sometimes I see the man I married and I'm not prepared to throw it away totally.
We see each other about 4 times a week, 3 evenings and during the day Wednesday. Most of the time I feel quite friendly towards him, I'm not totally alone so I don't have to start the whole dating thing all over again and to be honest the sex is infrequent but fantastic, we share the same kinks. We will never live together again but I suspect that we will always have some kind of relationship. The children telll me honestly that they don't like him anymore but are prepared to put up with him for a few hours a week for my sake. And of course the balance of power has cganged now he comes as a visitor and when he steps out of line I have no problem telling him so.
Well how did I get here this was supposed to be a piece about obsession but somehow it mutated :). Maybe it revealed a little more about me than the piece I planned would have.
Puppy Smells [31 Aug 2001|07:35pm]
Wet fur
Bad breath
Puppy farts
Little puddles
I used to hate these smells
Sqeals
Soft moans
Whimpering
Little barks
I used to hate these sounds
snuggles
wriggles
cuddling up
Little snores
Cancelling sounds and smells
Love
Changes
Re-arranges
Heartstopping
For now the puppies mine
Bots - Intelligent, No just sneaky [06 Sept 2001|07:38pm]
I've spent the last day and a half messing about with bot scripting to adapt a bot for trivia for my favourite online activite neopets(http://www.neopets.com/).
I started playing with the bots with the idea, that just like java, and cgi, it was pieces of coding. And that I could learn about it the same way I'm learning about them by taking the code comparing different examples working out what does what and tinkering about with the code and seeing what happens. Well I know different now.
Bots are little imps each with their own different personality, all mischievious and some bordering on malicious.
You can play and tinker with the code happilly for a while watching the changes and the bot smiles on you and plays cooperatively, and then suddenly it changes it's mood and all you need to do is change the text of one of the eight ball responses and it says no way, sticks it tongue out at you and refuses to even recognise the !trivia command, go back check the code see that lots of return that you know darn well you didn't delete have dissappeared. Restore a clean copy of the code to find the bot's decided not to switch the timer on any more so timed events don't happen.
On some bots just change the text of the question file and it forgets how to read the questions, or sees only blank questions. One thing I have discovered. If your going to edit bot scripts do it through a mirc editor then you don't have to change lines of code.
Have at last found a sweet little fairy of a bot seems to be doing everything I want her too, better not speak to soon she may become a tantrumming todler. Time to go back to her and see if she's still playing
Dream Job [10 Sept 2001|07:39pm]
My Dream job is very simple I would like to be a full time mother, but not as I am now, a full time mother with very little money.
What I would like is to be a full time mother with adequate finances such that every pair of shoes, every school trip did not evoke a process of re-examining the budget, re-assigning priorities and deciding who not to pay.
I would like to be there for my children whenever they need me. To create for them a better environment than the one I experienced. I would like to not have them see the reality of poverty. To be able to protect them from all the hard knocks life throws at them.
Okay so I'm probarbly never going to be financially stable, and I can't assure that life never kicks them in the teeth. But provide them with the emotional resources to climb back up and say OK life one to you now it's my turn. That I can and will do. To provide them with the security of knowing they are loved, unconditionally, that whatever they do I will always be there for them. I may be dissappointed or hurt at times by their actions but that will not stop me loving and reaching out to the person.
I can be there as a safety net, so that they can dare to fly, to reach out for anything they want in life, to take a risk in the knowledge that if it all goes wrong and they come tumbling down I'll be there to catch them. OK so they may be winded by the depth of the fall, but they won't be destroyed.
I want to be, hope to be, try to be a good mother, the mother I wanted.
I want to feel pain [13 Sept 2001|07:40pm]
Even in days such as these when the world has seen an atrocious act of terrorism leading to massive loss of life and injury people talk of money, the loss of billions of dollars.
It sickens me to see people putting money first, the real tragedy is a human one not a financial one.
But it also sickens me to find that although I react with anger and disgust to the priorities of people around me the tragedy of itself evokes no emotional response.
The wall I built around myself so long ago is still in place, I find myself only affected by things that happen in my immediate circle to the people I love and care about, the reactions of those important to me.
And I am aware that this emotional deadness is both unnatural and unhealthy, that the protective cocoon I encased myself in so long ago means than in many ways I watch life, rather than live it.
And yet at the same time I am so sad, so full of pain, but pain without a focus, a target, a cause, just the outpourings of a well blocked up so long, finally released, a gushing spring bursting forth so uncontrolled and uncontrolable that tears pour forth at the slightest thing. A recognition at last of an immense loneliness springing from being unknown, untouched, isolated internally.
And yet this enormous tragedy doesn't touch me, so strange. Proof that my protective responses are still strong, still there, ready to react instinctively to shield but by shielding isolate.
I want to feel pain, not the pain I'm feeling, the hidden pain, the pushed down pain, the echoes of past events, past hurts, past scars.
I want to feel the pain that comes from living today, I want to experience my reaction to events when they happen not many years later. I want to be fully alive to let out the person who hides inside. I want to be fully human.
Exquisite Pain - don't read if easily shocked [13 Sept 2001|07:43pm]
Exquisite Pain
Harsh, whip lashes,
sting biting deep,
Forced pleasure.
Sweet tortuous pain,
Exquisite agony,
Opened world.
Helplessly restrained,
Nerves jangle,
Soul flies.
Body straining,
Breath laboured
Fully alive.
Bound and Enslaved,
Totally controlled,
Free to be me.
For a long time I felt disgust and shame at my sexual inclinations. Wondered if there was something wrong with me that for full release I needed to feel helpless, overpowered, could only find pleasure if it was forced upon me.
I am coming to terms with this at last and have come to recognition that this kink is the result of the strength I have had to find, to show in real life, that this strength needs a counterpart. My need to feel week balancing out my need to be strong.
I don't feel disgust, or shame anymore, but I do still feel different.
Subconscious Messages [21 Sept 2001|07:46pm]
Okay I wanted to write this entry yesterday but opendiary wasn't playing so I'll have to try and remember what I wanted to say.
I've just finished my latest piece of art work for the colours collaborative. I really enjoyed doing it even the attack of pixel fever which saw me still up at 5:00 am Thursday morning cos I wanted to do just one little bit more.
This pieces has been a learning experience for me in two ways. Firstly I've never tried to digitally reproduce bubbles before and had no idea how to do so, hence I had to search the web for appropriate tutorials.
The major learning experience though was just how unimportant my husband is becoming to me. The piece was supposed to depict important memories, shadows of people who have affected me. I didn't consciously choose who I was going to put in the piece, just added them as it felt right.
It wasn't untill the piece was finished that I realised I had not included Martin (hubby) as one of the memories, or important people. I had used a picture from my wedding day as it was an important turning point in my life, but the picture I chose to use was of just me. On an unconscious level I am more aware of how unimportant Martin is becoming to me than I allow myself to be on a conscious level.
As my mum put it I'm getting the best of both worlds good sex, the knowledge that I'm not totally alone, don't need to start again. And I have my independance, freedom, a peacefull home for myself and my children. Guess things are not to bad.
There are times when I yearn for a soul mate, someone to share the things that are important to me, quiet companionship. But everytime I think I've found that it turns to ashes in my fingers. And I'm not up to putting myself through that again.
And also over the last few years I've come to realise that I am more attracted to women than I am to men. Yes I enjoy sex with my husband, but only up to the point before penetration occurrs. I have been lucky in finding a man who is quite happy for long sex sessions which only include penetration as an afterthought rather than the focus of the session. As I said to my best friend the other day there's nothing that he does for me, that I enjoy that a woman wouldn't do.
On an emotional, spiritual level I cannot connect with men at all, and I know that if I ever cut the last strings tying me to my husband and choose to look for another partner that I will be looking for a same sex partner.
And I guess that's another thing that stops me cutting those final ties . Because the thought of striking out in another direction, walking into the unknown is pretty frightening.
On the whole I'm happier now than I have been for a long, long time. And hence for now I don't need to change anything. My motto has always been that when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Because one day you wake up, and know just what to do, and that's the day to act. It's always been true for me in the past I assume it's still true now.
I have noticed a pattern with these diary entries. I start off meaning to say one thing and end up wandering off the track and saying something completely different as well. Oh the joys of automatic writing. I enjoy this diary precisely because It is driven by my thoughts, spontaneous and real, something that occurs in very few areas of my life.
In case you wanted to look latest art piecee can be found www.wingsofspirit.co.uk/cherry.html
You can't pick causes - wrong is wrong [21 Sept 2001|07:48pm]
One of the scariest things about what happened at the twin towers has been people's response to it. We will have vengeance, bomb the argies, death to terrorist, roll out the drums, let loose the dogs of war. Fear begets hate and demands vengeance.
Little children who know only what they see from adults scream out kill Bin Laden (spelling). Bomb the Afghans they deserve it.
It appals me that the most reasoned response in all of this recently has come from Afghanistan. They have said give us proof that this bombing was done by Bin Laden and we will hand him over, then and not before.
Some see this as sheltering a terrorist but think about it, the right to fair trial belongs to all, once we start to choose who we will apply this right to it becomes a priviledge rather than a right.
The attempt to destabilise a country through fear or damaging it's economy, wether accomplished by bombing or by political manipulation and trade embargo's is wrong. Wrong whoever does it.
The attempt to rule by terror is wrong, again whoever does it. One cannot condemn this recent act of terrorism with one hand whilst with the other supporting the IRA "because theirs is a freedom fight", because believe me that's just how Bin Laden and all other extremists justify their action.
Now is a time for people to open their eyes to the horror and innapropriateness of "all" terrorist activities. We cannot pick out causes and claim that in some cases the means justifies the ends.
Because in the final analysis this is about people, it is people who die, are maimed, lose their loved ones. People whose blood and tears are just the same, as important whatever their race, creed, political affiliation.
Let last weeks events be a signal for people to open their eyes and realise that now is the time to find peacefull solutions. After all since when did one reform the bully by beating him up.
Thoughts on Suicide [05 Oct 2001|07:49pm]
When a friend is suicidal at what point is it allright to just let them be. To try and talk them out of it is that not just piling on the pressure.
Is there not a case for saying I don't want you to do this. But if you are going to do it don't die alone. Giving them a number of an organization like the Samaritans or if they have the number explaining to them that the function of the samaritans is not just to talk people out of suicide.
I have a friend who used to be a Sam and she said one of the things they are trained to do is to be there for someone who is determined to die, to talk to them cause nobody deserves to die totally alone.
An online friend of mine has been suicidal several times recently and though initially I tried to talk him out of it I have come to the point that I do not want him to clam up I want him to be able to talk freely to him.
So having given him my thoughts about suicide now he just needs to hear that I will listen and let him make his own decision. But keep on hoping he manages to hang onto the strength to stay with us.
Friendship [05 Oct 2001|07:51pm]
Throughout my life I have found it difficult to make friends mainly I think because my defences are strong, the wall I built around me so thick that few people could get through.
I can count the number of close friends I have had on one hand, well half a hand actually. Yep just two, Dianne and Paul both of whom I have been sexually attracted and flirted wildly with. One of the hangovers of my childhood being that I struggle to seperate intimacy and sex, so when I become intimate with anyone I tend to have sexual feelings with them.
But my flirting with both Paul and Di was always harmless very early in the relationships we set the boundaaries, said okay we fancy each other like mad, but that's not to be for us, we'll stroke each others ego's but not become lovers.
I met Paul when I started my degree, a mature student like mysef he was friendly and open, a wicked sense of humour, not handsome in the traditional way but I found him sexy as hell. We formed a wicked alliance and bounced off each other all the way through the degree, he now lives a long way away so I don't see him but we catch up with emails and phone calls occasionally, he will always be an important part of my life.
Dianne I met just after I finished my degree, she co-owned a local take away shop, initially my husband introduced me to her and her partner. I began to work part time for them and Di and I formed a firm friendship. Di's partner in both the business and her personal life was a reticent woman, and like me Di had a big gap in her life, a need for someone to listen and feel, and care, and perhaps understand a little.
Di is not your typical lesbian (does such a thing exist) rather she reminds me of everybody's mother, and I love her to pieces. She has recently sold her business and I miss like hell our tuesdays and Thursdays when we used to build the scaffolding to hold each others lives together.
Nowadays my friendships tend to be of the online type, for some reason it is easier to open up to online friends to allow them to see parts of me that in real life I keep hidden. Thank god for the computer.
What really struck me today was how my friends remind me of me, how the things I admire about my friends are the things I value about myself. I have always had self esteem problems. But looking at how much my friends mirror me make me think that I like myself more than I realised. Maybe I am my closest friend.
And that's good cos it means I've come such a long way from the teenager who hated herself. Maybe by the time I hit 50 I'll be mrs popular.
Breaking the news - fat chance [06 Oct 2001|07:52pm]
I don't very often write theme entries but this weeks theme got me thinking.
"Did you ever have to break something to your parents that you were afraid to tell them? How did you prepare for it, and how did it turn out?"
I wish I had had the kind of parents that something stood out as being hard to tell them. I was frightened to tell my parents anything.
I always knew that whatever I said, whatever I did would be wrong. If it was an achievement it wouldn't be good enough, if I got second place why wasn't it first. If I got first place they'd tell me how it could have been better.
If I'd had some kind of accident they'd let me know just how clumsy, stupid, careless I'd been. If I'd actually done something wrong god help me.
If I couldn't explain anything I was showing dumb insolence. If I ever tried to explain anything I was cheeky and should learn to control my mouth.
I spent ages preparing for everything I ever told my parents, hours of silent rehearsals, looking for just the right words to make them approve, or forgive. To maybe extract just one little sign of love. But when it came down to it all the rehearsals flew out the window and I'd baldly blurt out what I had to say in the vain hope that if I said it quick enough I could avoid a negative reaction.
Is it any surprise that I hottailed it as soon as I could with the first man that would have me.
The important things though were the things that I never told them, the pain that I kept inside cos if they knew I could be hurt they'd know where to prod next time.
The sexual abuser I went to willingly at the age of 13 cos at least he gave me some attention, the family friend who tried to rape me at the age of 15.
Funny despite the fact that I repaired my relationship with them at the age of 30 they still don't know these things and I don't suppose they ever will. Cos deep down I still don't believe they love me and I couldn't bear it if they blamed me or even brushed it off. So they just won't get the chance to give the wrong reaction.
And as the local kids stare at my bloated body like some circus freak show, and call out saggy Maggie down the road after me. I think yeah, but where would you be, who or what if you'd had my life.
I may be fat, and 40 (41 actually) but I'm a survivor, I'm still here 3 marriages down the pan, but surviving.
And no matter what my kids know they can tell me anything, I will always listen, and though I may not always like what I hear, I will always love the messenger. And in the end that's what counts.
Cos if you love your child, they can tell you anything, pregnancy, alternative sexuality, trouble with the law it doesn't matter cos you love them and as such accept them flaws and all
Keep your Hands to Yourself[09 Oct 2001|02:24pm]
Well another Tuesday morning working with my darling, can't stand to live together, flat of his own husband.
I've known for a while that I don't love him anymore, that I only hang on to the scraps of our marriage because I can't bear to start again, even at times he's good company and he meets 'other' needs. But on days like today I dislike him intensely.
I have been ill for nearly three weeks now with a chest infection that is making my asthma bad, so as you can imagine the last thing on my mind is sex. Well he's not ill and he'd had a joint before work today so it was the first thing on his mind, on several occasions this morning he tried to tweak my nipple.
For gods sake man get a brain, recognise a message when you see it, wasn't my pushing your hand away first time and saying don't message enough. Wasn't my thumping your arm and telling you to piss off second time message enough. Why do you still think that because we're still trying to have some sort of relationship that my body belongs to you to touch as and when you feel.
Why the fu*k can't you see that this is all part of the me, me, me attitude that drove a wedge in our marriage in the first place. When I say no why the fu*ck can't you keep your bleeding hands to yourself.
Some days I come close to telling him I don't love him anymore. Some days I know that part of him recognises this. He has never been one for spontaneous gestures, even when I was in hospital he brought no flowers or chocolate. Well on Saturday he turned up with a box of chocolate for me, said I could consider it a late birthday present, or a present because I was ill or even a just because he loved me so much present.
I instantly thought but I don't love you, then dragged myself over hot coals of guilt because he still thinks he loves me. I don't, not my definition of love anyway, I see his attitude to me as that of a child with a favourite toy, to be loved or ignored as he sees fit, a one sided love that only ever really considered how he felt. Not the mature love of one adult for another.
I can see now that one day I may well tell him that I don't love him anymore, one day I may well cut the final strings, but not whilst my children still need to live in the house that belongs to his father.
And yet next week if I'm feeling better I may well enjoy his company again, and of course I know I'll enjoy the sex. Life is so strange.
During the first year I knew him I bought a rose, he never watered it and it dies, but it dried perfectly, and I kept it in a box. And this week my puppy got it, and chewed it to bits, and as I walked into the room and saw it I thought that's just like our marriage really dead and scattered in pieces just nobody to clear up the mess.
On days like today I thank God that he moved out into his own flat, cos f he was here in my face I might just scream out some truths that he wouldn't want to hear.
Guess it's time I realised that I'm not really the marrying kind, third time lucky eh. Well if this is luck god preserve me from being unlucky. ;)
Going Nocturnal[10 Oct 2001|02:25pm]
It's 2:26 am and here I sit at my computer again. In the last 3 weeks I've only gone bed before midnight on the weekends when I need to be awake during the day as the children are not at school.
Why am I going nocturnal I ask myself? And I guess is that part of it is to avoid loneliness once the children have gone to bed, once I'm engrossed on my computer I don't notice the hours pass, chatting away to online friends I don't feel alone, I don't miss adult company.
Television or reading though I sometimes enjoy both don't work in the same way, I like to share snippets of what I'm reading, I like to talk about the programme I am watching or have just watched. And when I turn around and there is no one there to tell it kind of hits me in the stomach and I feel the absence, and then I realise that what I am missing is someone, anyone not particularly my husband and that creates another kind of sadness, a feeling of failure and deep regret that once again I couldn't hold a marriage together, or at least not to the extent that we can live in the same house, that I didn't love deeply enough for my love to survive the knocks it endured.
So I've become a night owl to stave off loneliness. I've also become a night owl because I live the wrong side of the big pond. Most of my online friends are in the US or in Canada and when most sensible Brits would be heading off for beddy bye's there just coming online. So I stick around and chat and play neopets I enjoy it so much.
I've also become a night owl because at times I enjoy the piece of sitting here quietly, knowing there is nothing else I should be doing, no tasks I'm neglecting. Basking at times in the kind of quiet that in the suburbs one only finds in the dead of night. And phoey who needs sleep.
I guess I do but that's the joy of only working half a day a week. I get up with the children, stay up untill they've left for school then get my head back down for a couple of hours. So I'm not missing sleep I've just adopted shall we say a non-standard sleeping pattern. And it suits me.
Mind you should see the scrabble to get some clothes on and get to the door fast if anyone knocks before about 1:00pm. speedy gonzales eat your heart out
Feeling Sad [11 Oct 2001|02:25pm]
It's 2:20 in the afternoon and I just woke up in tears, I know I had a nightmare but I can't remember exactly what just a vague memory of being stuck somewhere and not being able to get to my children, being on a full minibus which filled the time whilst we were stranded by playing family fortunes, only I couldn't play because my family wasn't with me.
I just can't seem to shake that sad feeling and tears keep dripping down my face. God I'm such a sad git sometimes. Time to go shopping and hopefull when I get back life will be back on it's normal track chugging along nicely.
Caring, sharing and unloading [11 Oct 2001|02:27pm]
I sit here at my computer and tears run down my face. It's the notes you see. The wonderfull, funny, caring, sad notes.
People actually seem to care, what I do, how I'm feeling, at one and the same time it breaks my heart and sends it soaring.
Thank you friends, I need you. To share my joys, my pains, my life. I need you to listen even if you don't always understand.
You've come in some ways to take the place of the friend I used to share everything with, I still manage to see her occasionally but it's never alone, we just don't get the chance to have the same soulbearing, dreamsharing, mutual support sessions we used to have. And I really miss it.
You may have noticed that the tone of my diary has changed somewhat, cos now I need to unload here. My husband I never could unload to when he lived with me. Even less now we live apart. My children, the oldest is never here even if I felt I could unload to him, the second oldest is 16 and though we share some things it wouldn't do to let her see just how low I get sometimes.
And the youngest two well they don't need to handle that.
So I guess this has to be the place I unload. The funny thing is I write far more entries in my head than I ever write here. If something bothers me, or angers me, or upsets me I plan out a diary entry, put it together in my head, and this somehow pulls it into proportion, removes some of the sting and by the time I open the diary up it's no longer important to write about.
Goodnight friends thanks for being here for me.
I want love [13 Oct 2001|02:29pm]
I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love
I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic
So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough
Why do people look at this song and say he doesn't love just sex. I look at it and see the perennial cry of the deeply hurt. A recognition of the need for love and comfort but a fear of taking risks. A need to fight shy of giving anyone the power to hurt you.
I've been there and felt this way, it's not selfish it's just scared and armoured. And to tell the truth I guess in some ways this kind of describes my marriage.
A Wonderful Life [14 Oct 2001|02:31pm]
The two youngest children went to their fathers for the weekend so I was able to be a dirty stop out. Great fun.
I went to my husbands flat for the night. We had amazing sex of the kinky bondage, mildly s/m type fantastic. Then he slept in his bed and I slept in the double in the other room.
It says something that even when I stay at his flat he sleeps in his own bed. He has a single futon so there's no room on it for size 30 me. And he says that it hurts his back to sleep on the double bed.
This morning I got up at about 11. He got up a few minutes after, and we watched a film together before walking up to the supermarket, then I walked the rest of the way home. It's very quiet here but peacefull for once rather than lonely.
We're not for sale [14 Oct 2001|02:32pm]
Ex husband number 2 is doing a very good job of confusing me recently. I wouldn't say he's tight but up untill recently he made a ducks rear end look loose.
He's never paid child support, worked on the side whils claiming benefit so I got nothing. Bought very little for christmas and birthdays. In all been a right tightwad.
Well last time they went to visit he gave our son £42 for the keyboard lessons that he wanted and I couldn't afford, this time he gave my daughter £45 for some decent trainers and sent a second hand tv for the eldest girl and a £70 camera.
I have to say it pisses me off cos I could afford these things if he was paying child support. And also I know the game he's playing.
He never wanted us to split up, it was my decision. I forced him to go because of his drunken aggression. And certain things he said that he doesn't remember but which are burned into my soul and I will never forget. He killed my love totally one drunken night when I was pregnant with our second child and I have never and will never forgive or forget.
But he still loves me, or thinks he does. And he's got wind that things are not exactly normal in marriage number 3. The children have told me he says that we should just split rather than live apart. And in some sad, won't listen to what I say, mistaken part of his mind, he thinks that if he's nice enough I'll take him back.
We've been apart 11 years now, and he's never even dated another woman. He tells the children often that he still loves me and he never wanted us to split. Thankfully the older 3 can remember some of what went on so they don't buy the it's all your mother, poor me, line.
But still he's intent on buying his way back in through the children, sad, pathetic, funny little man. Our marriage is long dead and buried, time he moved away from the grave and stopped trying to resurect the corpse.
Pixel fever [15 Oct 2001|02:34pm]
It's 6:52 am and I may go to bed soon. I've been up all night with the most glorious attack of pixel fever.
I am a member of the collaborative. Once every 2 months we have a new topic and the members produce works based on their interpretation of the topics. Well many months ago the topic white just wouldn't co-operate I couldn't find the right image.
Tonight in a burst of inspiration it came at last, so I worked and pulled and poked and filtered untill I was happy with it and by the time I finished it was nearly time to get the children up.
But I don't care I enjoyed it, for a few hours it lit up my life.
If you want to take a peek check out White
If you should be mad enough to want to see all my colours projects check out My colours page.
Either way even if no one looks the joy of creating it is enough.
Fortune cookies [15 Oct 2001|02:38pm]
Thanks to one of my favourites Ladywithanattitude I have discovered the joy of fortune cookies.
No I don't really believe them but they can be quirky and thought provoking. Find them at http://predictions.astrology.com/fc/
Today my fortune cookie said "Pursue your wishes aggressively." That made me laugh because it makes certain assumptions, it assumes you have wishes, it assumes you know what those wishes are. It assumes you have the resources to pursue them. It assumes that aggressive pursuit is desirable.
Assumption 1: assumes you have wishes.
Some days I am aware of having wishes, other days like today time stands still, I bathe in an atmosphere of tranquility and peace and just for a while have no wishes at all.
Assumption 2: assumes you know what those wishes are.
Most days I don't know what my wishes are, I may be aware of vague discomfort, of missing something. I may be aware of things I do not want to be as they are. What I actually want is rarely well formulated enough to verbalise let alone pursue.
Assumption 3: assumes you have the resources to pursue them.
Well if there's one thing I know well it's lack of resources bot material, spiritual and emotional. I've lived on or close to the poverty line for the better part of the last 20 years.
I've sunk to the bottom of the black pit of despair many times, where it was all I could do to kepp surviving from day to day let alone pursue wishes.
Today if I knew what my wishes were I feel I would have the resources to pursue them.
Assumption 4: assumes that aggressive pursuit is desirable.
I sincerely believe that agressive pursuit is undesirable. Agressive pursuit can result in blindly rushing headfirst forwards without due consideration. I have finally left behind my bull in a china shop days and would rather pursue things slowly, with thought.
I would rather outmanoevre obstacles than clamber madly over them. I would rather proceed steadily and conserve my energy to enjoy the fruits of my labour.
So sorry mr fortune cookie not today.
Today I am one content, placid tortoise. I'll leave the hare for someone else.
Feeling Proud of Myself [16 Oct 2001|04:33pm]
Just recently my husband seems to have been seperating me from his friends always visiting them or inviting them to visit when I was not around and making it clear that he wanted to see them alone. Fair enough it's his life, we don't live together I sort of understand.
But tonight was different, tonight I had arranged to take the younger two children and the dog to his flat to play playstation games with him. Now this is a rare occasion cos the children don't like to go to his flat very often.
Well he arranged for the friend who gets his draw for him to bring it around tonight. Fair enough I don't mind Nick. We got to his house at 6 oclock, at about 6:30 he said when Nick comes I'm going to chat to him in the kitchen rather than bring him in here. Now this annoyed me because I had the feeling that he was ashamed of us. so I said what's wrong why are you keeping your friends away from us are you ashamed of us. He said not of you. In other words he was of the children. This really annoyed me so I told him that when he and his friend went into the kitchen me and the children would go home because we didn't like to stay where we weren't wanted or hidden away. Well he didn't answer that. But when his friend came he brought him in to the room we were in. I guess he realised I really would have gone home.
Later in the evening as my daughter and he got to arguing over the computer game he said that was why he hadn't wanted to bring Nick in because he knew Lisa would show off. (Okay she doesn't no where to stop but he shouldn't start her in the first place.). I told him that she was just a kid acting like a kid and that was nothing to be ashamed of or hide.
I was annoyed with his behaviour but proud of myself for sticking to my guns, putting the kids first and not taking the shit. It's funny as he gets less and less important to me it's far easier to refuse to take the shit, to stand up for myself. To in effect take control. And the more I do it the more he seems to value me.
I tell him off, boss him around, tease and make fun of him, and he laps it up and comes back for more. Why are some men so insane. And why does this bring out the worst, hardest, coldest, most tormenting side of me? And why does he always think I'm joking when I say mean things to him? Life is so topsy turvy nowadays.
Who turned my viking into a Thug [17 Oct 2001|04:35pm]
Okay so where do I start. I don't really want to write tonight just cry. I haven't felt this sad, and low and unwanted and undervalued for ages. And you'll never guess what set me off. My husband had his hair cut.
Since I met him my husband has had long hair, I can remember once that we made a pact that neither of us would ever have our hair cut, other than trims and tidy ups.
It feels like he's saying I don't matter anymore, I know he keeps saying that he likes our marriage as it is, that living in seperate houses keeps the stress down, and that he loves me and wants us to be a couple for ever. And I know that I don't love him but I still have consideration for him, and i NEED to be important.
He told me a couple of days ago that he was going to have his hair cut, I told him that I didn't want him to do it but in the end it was his hair and I wouldn't try to stop him. He asked me to do it but I told him no go to the barbers and get it styled properly. He said he wasn't having it styled he was having a skinhead.
Well he came around tonight and he's had it done. It looks awfull, he's also had his beard turned into a goatee so he looks totally different.
I know this is silly but it's just like visual confirmation that the man I married has totally dissappeared. And I want him back, this man I loved, the bullying bad tempered, childish stranger he became I don't love.
I want to love, I want to be loved. I don't want to feel so sad, and lonely, and empty, and hopeless. I want my viking back, he now just looks and often behaves like a thug.
Our Strange Marriage [18 Oct 2001|04:38pm]
Patty's note on my last diary entry reminded me that it's time I explaineda little more about my husband and why we live in different houses.
Important background information, my parents were mentally and physically abusive, I was sexually abused at the age of 13, husbands no one and two were alcoholics and my eldest daughter B was sexually abused for a period of at least a year by my last boyfriend before I met husband no 3.
By the time I met Martin I was very wary of men, and was undergoing a period of hypnotherapy because I had recognised that it was a transference of vulnerability and insecurity that had been a large factor in my daughter being an easy target for her abuser.
So you can imagine he had to be something special to even begin to get behind my guard. And he was, he put me first (a novel experience) he was kind and gentle and tolerant both with me and my children and I grew to love him very much. By the time we got married he was fair and just to my children and treated them with due consideration.
The changes began to show within a week of getting married it was like he didn't have to try any more, and thought the children should listen and obey just because he was an adult.
Things deteriorated slowly initially then speeded up, he became mean and critical. He also became selfish both with them and with me. As my children hit puberty and started throwing teenage tantrums rather than being the adult he threw tantrums back at them, he swore and shouted and said some pretty mean things and twice was physical though not to an extreme extent.
The real beginning of the end I remember as clearly as if it happened yesterday. I don't remember what the argument was about but B screamed at him that she hated him, he screamed back at her that he hated her to and she should go and live with her father, but no she couldn't cos he didn't want her, didn't love her, wouldn't have her and had never bothered to visit her. This is the daughter who was abused, her self-esteem was already damaged, the daughter least able to cope with this sort of attack.
I made it clear to Martin that I was not going to stand by and watch him treat my children like that, as the product of abuse I remember still the fear, the feelings of worthlessness and I was not going to allow him to induce the look in my childrens eyes that I still see in mine sometimes when the world gets too heavey.
I made it clear to hime that his behaviour was abusive and not to be tolerated and that unless he made real changes he would be forced to move out. He agreed that his behaviour was out of control and agreed to go to therapy, we also worked out some strategies to reduce the stress in the home, and specific behaviours for him to perform when he felt himself becoming angry. I.e. walk away, go upstairs, go outside, remove himself from the situation.
Continued in next diary entry
Strange Marriage part two[18 Oct 2001|04:39pm]
The next weekend the children were going to stay with their father and Martin and I went for a weekend away by ourselves, got a lot of talking done, worked out a way forward. And for a while I had back the man I married.
It wasn't to last long though, within a month he was back to tantruming and name calling. I had arranged assessment appointments with a therapists, a course for parents of difficult teenagers, and an appointment with marriage guidance counseling. The first therapist was a family therapist who decided as we had managed to sort some other therapy out for my husband and I his best course of action was to work with my daughter.
My husband backed out of the parenting course, but went to marriage guidance counseling (he attended 1 session), and then decided that we were working it out for ourselves so didn't need to go to any more.
Well that was it time for some hard decisions, he wasn't prepared to put in the work and I wasn't prepared to let him stay without the work. So it was decided that he would move out but we would still see each other, try to keep the marriage going. And I guess I must have some real good manipulation skills because he thinks it was his idea to go.
For a while after he left he was much better with the children and with me but soon his old selfishness began to creep back in. And eventually I realised that my love for him had just evaporated away. But I don't want to throw the marriage away entirely. Though somedays I'm not sure why not.
None of the children like him any more and we will never forget some of the things he's said. Although there were other problems like him not handing over enough of his wage for us to live on and eating goodies in front of us which we couldn't afford. It was the situation with the children that made it impossible for us to live together. Because in the end if I don't protect them and put them first who will.
I don't honestly believe we will ever live together again and to be honest I don't want to. This strange marriage keep us both from being totally alone, and protects the children from his excesses. I never force them to go and see him and they rarely choose to, and he wonders why. But just occasionally I see the man I married and I think perhaps there is a way to get him back, I'm not prepared to throw that hope away totally yet. However I suspect that some day I will.
My first ever survey [19 Oct 2001|04:43pm]
Stolen From Hunnygirl
1. What is your full name? Margaret Anne Hutchby
I see: Clearly for once
I need: some adult company
I find: that life is what you make it
I want: to see my children become happy secure adults.
I have: my health, my family, my life.
I wish: that my daughter had not been abused.
I love: my children, my family, my friends, myself
I regret: marrying all 3 of them
Smiled?: earlier when my daughter told me all about the latest exploits of Briteny Spears as though the world turned around them
Laughed?: all the time, life's a joke.
Cried?: Yesterday with loneliness
Bought something?: A month ago infra red headphones
Danced?: All the time even around the house
Were sarcastic?: Yesterday to hubby
Talked to an ex?: Friday arranging for childrens visit
Had a nightmare?: About a week ago
A Last time for everything ...
Last book you read: House of Dreams by L. M. Montgomery one of the sequels to Anne of Green Gables
Last movie you saw: The Green Mile - brilliant
Last thing you had to drink: diet pepsi
Last time you showered: don't remember I prefer baths
Last thing you ate: 2 grilled burgerw with tomato and cucumber in baps
Do You ...
Sleep with stuffed animals?: Not any more
Live in the moment?: Sommetimes
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: A husband, sort of.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: No
Play an instrument?: No
Remember your first love? Yes clearly
Still love him/her?: No
Read the newspaper?: No
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Many
Believe in miracles?: Yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Definately
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Most of the time
Consider love a mistake?: Never, it may change, or die but at the time it's not a mistake
Like the taste of alcohol?: Only vodka and white wine
Have a favorite candy?: No I love all candy
Believe in astrology?: sort of
Believe in magic?: Yes
Believe in God?: Unsure
Pray?: Occasionally
Have any secrets?: A few,
Hate yourself?: Sometimes
Have an obsession?: No, I get obsessed with everything I do
Have a secret crush?: No
Wish on stars?: sometimes
2. What color are your bed sheets? Lilac
3. Who are your best friends? Dianne and Paul
4. What color is your hair? Brunette turning grey
5. What song are you listening to right now? Objects in the rearview mirror by Meatloaf.
6. Have you ever owned a hamster? Yes
7. What is right next to you? My computer
8. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Me
9. What did you do last night? chatted on the computer, read and wrote in OD and watched a film
10. Last person that you talked to on the phone? Mother of sons friend arranging sleep over.
11. What's the one thing you find attractive about the opposite sex? long hair, tattoes,
12. Do you like the person that sent this to you? Stole it from HunnyGirl, don't know her yet but am about to start her diary from the beginning
13. How are you today? Fine
14. How do you eat an Oreo? What's an Oreo
15. Who makes you happy? my children and myself
16. Dream Date? theatre, then a meal
17. Nicknames? Maggie, Mags, Hutchby
18. Height? 5'10"
20. Dream fun vehicle? Kawasaki
21. Who is the funniest person that you know? Dianne
23. Favorite day of year? Christmas
24. Do you like to dance? Yes
26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? No done it plenty of times
27. Do you sleep naked? yes
28. Have you ever been in love? many times
29. What did you name your dog? Bella
30. Favorite drink? diet pepsi
31. Do you like scary or happy movies better? neither I like fantasy movies
34. On the phone or in person? in person
36. Summer or winter? summer, winter makes me want to hibernate
37. Lust or Love? both or neither
38. Kisses or hugs? hugs
39. If you could change one thing about you, what would it be? my weight
40. Who are you thinking of right now? Me
41. What song describes you most? Lonely Girl
42. Any certain body parts/areas that you shave/trim? None
43. Your rank in the family: 2 0f 5
44. Favorite TV show: Big Brother
45. First car? Never had a car
50. Favorite book: Emma Enslaved (naughty but nice :))
50. Birth sign: Libra
I'm not a great one for surveys but this one took my fancy
A Wonderful Night [19 Oct 2001|04:44pm]
Isn't it funny how just when things look their bleakest, and you don't think you can carry on anymore a litle ray of sun finds a crack and shines through.
Martin (hubby) came round at 10 tonight for the first time in ages I actually felt pleased to see him. It's as though the venting in my diary over the last few days has released a huge load of resentment and allowed me to see the other side of him.
I had allowed the children to stay up late as a treat, so he sat down here watching wwf with us for a while. Then Brendan my youngest asked him to go up and play a game with him. He actually said don't you want to come and spend some quality time with me. I had to smile. so they went upstairs and played the playstation for a while.
At about 11:30 Martin had a shower, he likes showers and hasn't got one at his flat. I sat in the bathroom with him chatting while he had his shower then I scrubbed his back, quite hard, I told him I was punishing him for having his hair cut and he laughed.
We went back downstairs for a while and at 12:20 he said he was going. I told him I wasn't letting him, in a kind of half jokey way I said to him is that all I'm worth then 2 and a half hours in 2 days. He said but your always pushing me away and won't let me hug you. I explained that this was because he groped and tried to touch my nipples rather than just hugging and I didn't like to be pawed all the time.
So he decided to stay for a while, and rather than sitting in his chair he joined me on the settee. My younger daughter L got annoyed at something (I don't remember what) and instead of yelling back at her he said I'm going to go home because this stresses me out and I can't deal with this. He went into the kitchen.
I told her that I would not accept her shouting for no real reason and that if she wished to continue to do so she should go upstairs, so she went upstairs AND stopped shouting.
We settled back down on the settee, I rested my head on his thighs and he leaned towards me. We had classic rock on the TV and were trying to guess the years of the songs, and talking about them. I felt close to him in a way I haven't done for months.
L calmed down and came downstairs and went on the computer for a while. I sent B bed and told L she would have to go in half an hour. She didn't want to but went quietly enough when the time came.
Once there were no children up we put the lock on the inside of the lounge, snuggled and wathched telly for a while longer and eventually "connected" as one of my OD friends put it. He went home in the end at half past two.
All in all a very pleasant night. And one that gives me hope that maybe all isn't lost. I'll not get my hopes up to high because the higher they are the more it hurts when they're smashed against the rocks but I certainly feel a lot more positive than I have in a long while
The Calm After the Storm [20 Oct 2001|04:45pm]
Isn't it amazing how just one extra child in the household can quadruple the level of noise excitement and chaos.
My youngest has a friend stopping for a sleepover tonight. I let them all stop up late and watch wwf, they laughed and played and all in all had a good time. But it was soooooooooo noisy.
My children aren't the quietest at the best of time, but add a friend to the mixture and they all think they have to perform with the volume knob turned up to full.
I'm just glad they all had a good time, and am so soaking up the peace and quiet now they're all asleep.
Some nights I hate the quiet, alone becomes lonely, but tonight it's just bliss.
Created or Edited [24 Oct 2001|04:50pm]
Having had a good look around at cartoon doll sites because they look cute I have noticed that the same dolls appear time after time.
Now I know why, online doll makers allow you to drag and drop different doll parts to make the doll you want, so of course there is a lot of repetition.
What I find strange though is that people then put these dolls on their site and say that they made them. I don't see that as making, I see it as copying or possibly editing.
There are also available online blank body bases which you can customise to your own desire, not quite so clear here but I still think of it as editing rather than creating.
Being the obsessive I am I of course had to try the process of creating from scratch, making my own blank body bases and drawing all the clothing features etc, myself. I can truly say I made my dolls.
I still struggle to know wether the sailor moon doll is original or not, I did her, she's all my own work but she was obviously not my original idea.
I include here the first body base I created, if any one wishes to take it for their own use they are welcome.
Update 02/03/2001
Having been involved in the doll scene for longer now my view are not so rigid and I have no doubts no that dolls drawn onto body bases are creations not edits. God I was a sanctimonious prig the day I wrote that but never mind we all learn and grow.
such a Cutey [26 Oct 2001|04:51pm]
My baby sister is over from USA with her husband and baby for 10 days. they're stopping with my mum. The baby is 9 months old and untill today I hadn't seen either her or my sisters husband. They got married in America as he is American and I could no way afford to go over.
As they have been here for 7 days so only have 3 left I decided to go over mums for the afternoon, my 2 youngest children went with me.
They are adorable, both husband and baby. He is smart, funny, intelligent and not bad looking. The baby Hannah is just impossibly sweet, she doesn't crawl she's a bum shuffler but manages to cross a room in no time flat. My children were captivated by her. Let's just hope they don't start suggesting to me that I should have another baby again.
A Plea to my diary [29 Oct 2001|04:51pm]
Dear diary please be working today, I tried to share with you yesterday all about how I felt about needing to reformat my computer, and you just wouldn't listen.
Now I realise that everybody turns a deaf ear occasionally that's natural, but not you. I need you to always listen, to be there for me, the most faithfull of friends.
Now you have a choice, either start to behave or I'll pay you back with your own medicine and tart ignoring you. SO THERE!
Back at Last [04 Nov 2001|04:55pm]
Well it's been a very busy few days, first I reformatted and reinstalled my computer systerm. It all went very well but I lost 50MB of online backups, forgot where I put the note with the detail of where I'd stored it.
Not to worry I thought, my main bother was that the trivia bot I run for my guild in Neopets (never heard of them, you don't know what your missing) was amongst the stuff lost.
Well I downloaded and reconfigured another bot, sounds simple that, ha ha. What little I know about scripting has been picked up on the fly, a job that would have taken an hour for somebody who knew what they were doing took me a full day, but I did it. The bot is up and running smoothly.
As I mentioned before I have gained a new obsession in cartoon dollz. well I found the official yahoo dollz group. If you have any interest in dollz I highly recommend joining it. A very friendly helpfull bunch of people a bit like you lot. Find it Here.
Well joining this group just fuelled my addiction, I have made several body bases this week, and done 3 adorable dollies to enter in competitions (well I think they're adorable anyway).
I have also spent a lot of time updating my website there is now content in each section. And a brand spanking shiny new guestbook. Now wouldn't you just love to nip along to my site and sign it.
Well funnilly enough I have also designed this week a nice new calling card and a banner for my site especially to go on dollz sites. I'll put them both here cos I know your just dying to see them. And if your mouse should just accidentally wander over the banner and click it well then a magical portal will open for you to leap to my site, don't forget that guest book whilst your there.
Bits and Pieces [09 Nov 2001|04:57pm]
Well it's going to be one quiet weekend here, the noisiest youngest two have gone to their dad's for the weekend, the eldest only sleep here for about one night a month if that. So tonight it's just me and my eldest girl. Tomorrow I will stop at hubby's and her boyfriend will stop here.
She and her boyfriend have chosen her ring and they are planning to move in together sometime next year, it will take them a while to save up for a deposit.
I still think she's far too young to be aking this kind of plan but at this stage I have a choice support her or drive her away. I've been honest with her and told her that I have my worries about her moving in with somebody as she is so young. After all I was the same age when I moved in with her father and we all know just how brilliantly that went. But I have also said that it is her decision and I will respect her choice, and that no matter what my door will always be open and my arms open wide.
I had my appointment at the dieticians at last this week, as he moves from health centre to health centre he only carries portable scales and as they only go up to 308 lbs I still don't know how much I weigh.
We've worked out a sensible strategy concentrating for now on eating regularly, at least once every 3 hours, making the first priority gaining control of the eating rather than it controlling me. We'll worry about what and how much etc once the control thing is sorted. I'm actually feeling quite positive about it.
The digital doll making has really grabbed me hard this week and I've made several. I know you want to see them hold on a minute. I'll share my personal favourite of the week with you. I made her for a contest the theme of which was original witches and wizards, so she's my witch and her arms are upraised as she casts a spell.
Scattered Memories [10 Nov 2001|04:59pm]
The most recent entries in the diaryf one of my favourites Furzball got me thinking about my own past,about the fact that I have very few memories about my own childhoodand that the ones I do have sometimes make little sense.
So I'vedecided to write a series of entries of childhood memories, notnecessarily chronological, and probarbly sporadically, partly to show you all a little bit more about me, and partly for me to putthings into a little more order and perspective, and partly in thehope that I will in the process recover a few more positive memoriesand the ones I have are overwhelmingly negative.
My very earliest memory is the night my youngest sister was born, I was only 2 and a half, but I clearly remember dad coming into our bedroom and waking me and Joanne to tell us that mummy had had the baby and taking us into the bedroom to see mum and the baby, it was about 4 in the morning but they still woke us, they knew we would want to be in some way involved. It's funny this is the most positive thing that I remember them ever doing.
I'm glad that my very
earliest memory is a positive one.
Parents Evening [12 Nov 2001|04:59pm]
Well it was parents evening at my youngest sons school today. He has CAT (Cognitive Ability Tests) scores well above average, and he could do well at school as long as he continues to apply himself.
I hope he does better than the eldest two they are both highly intelligent but wasted their school years because they found school boring.
Whereas my third child who has specific learning disabilities works really hard at school, sometimes it just seems so unfair. The only one who really applies herself is the only one who struggles.
Scattered Memories 2[16 Nov 2001|05:01pm]
For my first 8 years I remember very few detailed incidents just more of a feeling, an impression of things being black and gloomy, a few memories stand out.
I remember coming home from school one day and being unable to get in the key not being in it's usual place, so I climbed onto the toilet roof in through my bedroom window and let us all in, when my parents got home they went ape. It seems they'd decided we weren't to be allowed in the house on our own. We no longer counted as latchkey kids cos we weren't to be allowed access to the keys.
We had a porch attached to the rear of our house, a glorified glass house, cold, and windy but it kept the rain off. My sisters and I were to come to know a lot of that porch when they went to work we had to go out into the porch to wait untill it was school time, when school finished we were supposed to wait in the porch untill they got home. We had to peer through a window into the house to check the time, the view wasn't the best and on more than one occasion we arived at school rather early.
I remember on one occasion sneaking out a skirt of my mothers to wear to school, it felt flowy and attractive and I felt like a princess in it, I must have looked so strange.
I remember playing on the street in all weathers cos on the street nobody shouted or threw things. I remember being welcomed in the boys football games cos I was always happy to be goalie.
I remember going to other people's houses to play, I emember nobody would come to ours cos "your mothers a witch" nowadays we'd spell that with a b.
I remember being scared, being alone, being frightened. I remember standing there in dumb insolence as my mother called it because I knew that whatever I would say was wrong.
I remember my parents getting dressed up for a fancy dress contest, funny I can see their outfits as clearly as if it was yesterday, mum made a clown suit for my dad, and she went as a turkish dancer, I remember thinking how pretty she looked and how daring I thought her outfit was because I could see her belly button.
I remember being considered a mardy child, because I cried easily, because I never understood when they were joking. We have a photo at home of me and my sister across our dads knee and he was pretending to spank us. My sister is laughing, I was crying. I remember how angry they got cos I cried, you see I didn't know he was joking, he's spanked us that often before, and they flew off the handle at the stupidest things, I just thought that I'd somehow done something wrong again.
I remember being a loner and from the start not geting along well with other children, mainly I think because I was different. I was born with club feet and had operations and traction at a very early age. I don't remember the traction, I remember the foot clinic but all I remember was the surgical shoes. I also remember being partially deaf, and back in those days hearing aids were big boxes that you wore on your chest and that whistled and screamed at the slightest thing.
So I started school with a limp, surgical shoes and an earing aid, the only relationships I'd seen were disfunctional, my parents idea of communication was to scream at each other, and I was surprised that I couldn't make friends. I think even at that age I was to needy and that combined with being different drove other kids away.
But I remember hope, I remember fantasy, I people my world with rich imaginings and I thank them for this, I read, and imagined and wrote. And I just knew that I wasn't really their child, that my real parents were, princesses, or fairies, living in a beautifull land and that someday they would come and rescue me from the wicked witch.
Scattered Memories 3 [16 Nov 2001|05:06pm]
One of the ways I coped with my childhood was to build walls which blocked out emotions, people, and memories, I have surprisingly few memories from my childhood, and the few I have tend to be the ones with intense emotional impact the most painfull ones.
These scattered memories entries have 2 purposes for me, to bring some of this stuff back out into the light of day and in the process reduce the emotional drag some of it still has on my present life. And by opening up to these memories to hopefull knock down some of the wall between me and my childhood and in the process let a few of the positive memories back, because in repressing many of the bad memories I also repressed ALL of the positive ones.
I spontaneously recovered a positive memory in therapy a few years ago, untill then it simply did not occur to me that there might be good things that I was unable to do.
Funnily enough this seems to be happening, a few memories or more accurately shades of memories have trickled through.
I remember being on a hill somewhere and the whole family lining up and rolling down the hill. The pure exhileration coursing through our bodies.
I remember walking through a wood, all silent listening and looking, just soaking up nature.
I remember a short walk whilst we were on holiday, getting lost but not minding, laughing and giggling and mum driving s the route of our walk the next day to clock it on the mileometer, our short walk turned out to be 6 miles.
I can see the fish at last [18 Nov 2001|05:07pm]
Well it only took 2 months but at last we have some visible fish in the tank, it's still heavily populated with the imaginary kind but today I bought 5 Neon Tetra's to start the tank off.
They look a bit lost these 5 tiny things in a 2 foot tank but I've been advised a few fish at a time is the best way to do it to allow the filtration system to adapt and keep the system healthy.
Mind as usual nothing's quite the norm in our house. Tetra's are supposed to be schooling fish, well we have 4 that swim in a school and one individual. When I put them in the tank one fish dissappeared, I couldn't see it anywhere and ended up lifting the tank ornaments in my paranoia, well it was hiding in a crack in my airstone, when I disturbed it it fled to join the others.
This particular fish keeps going off on its own, it will swim with the school for a short while and then meander off in it's own direction, then it dissappears, hides away for ages only to dart out later when your least expecting it and swim with the school again for a short while. This is a fishy representation of me, a wonderfull metaphor for how I live my life embodied in this strange little fish. Only in this family.
My youngest daughter, the one who has some specific learning difficulties is very observant visually and she can tell each fish apart, wonder if she'll still be able to do it when there are lots of them. Well she's given them all names, and can tell you which is which, Triple H is the one with the long blue streak that goes almost all the way down his tail. Stephanie is the one with the short red tail. Britney is the one with the curved back, Justin is the one with a very short blue streak, and the undertaker is the little independant one. Once again only in our family.
In some ways I seem to be bringing the children up to be as independant and true to themselves as I am. I only hope that they don't combine this with being isolated as I have.
Dear Diary Please Forgive Me [24 Dec 2001|05:09pm]
It seems I have been neglecting you of late, I am so sorry it's just that I have developed a hobby that takes up so much of my time.
It's these digital dollies, they're very popular and people usually make them with simple shading. Well with my obsessive nature that just wasn't good enough for me, so I had to develop a style which used more sophisticated shading and lighting effects, well if I say so myself they looke beautifull but take a LOOOONNNNGGGG time to do.
As I already fight for computer time with 3 of my children my time has been devoted almost exclusively to my dollies.
But I had to pop on today to wish a Merry Christmas, or Happy Holiday to those of my diary friends who are non-christian.
This year the finances have been very tight, but somehow we've managed, the bird has to go on a round trip as my oven has decided to impersonate the bowels of hell with it's enormous flames, so the chicken goes to my husbands flat/apartment to be cooked later today before returning here later tomorrow. Trying to prepare christmas dinner from a microwave is going to be a new experience but they say it pays to widen your horizons :)
The marriage hasn't got any better but then I didn't expect it to, it hasn't got any worse either.
My monitor decided to sleep the big sleep on Monday night, all i can say is it's a good job I live in an environmental city which has a computer recycling center so I was able to pick up a secondhand one for a modest amount of money.
Can you imagine going the christmas season without a computer it doesn't bear thinking about :)
Well the children as stirring so time to shut down I may not see you again untill next year, take care of yourself, here is a little something to light your way.
My best ever christmas present[27 Dec 2001|05:10pm]
Let me tell you about my best ever
christmas present.
First of all let me set the scene.
Money in our house is very short, we scrape along and borrow
from Peter to pay Paul constantly, but somehow I always scrape
together a decent christmas for the children.
Normally I give the children £5 to buy me a christmas present because they have little money of their own getting a pound a week pocket money on a bad week and £2 on a good week. Well this year things were a little tighter than ususal and I didn't have the money left to give them to buy me a present.
Wel on christmas morning I got not one but two gifts from my youngest children they put their pocket money together and bought me a 6 pack of diet pepsi and a 5 pack of mars bars, (my favourite treat when I have the money being a diet pepsi and a mars bar). These 2 little gifts will have wiped out their pocket money for the week.
It's moments like that when they show their generous little hearts that I think maybe I'm doing something right after all.
Of course I shared the mars bars The diet coke I had to myself though :)
Motivation [04 Jan 2002|05:11pm]
It seems my motivation towards controlling my eating is rising again. I've had a difficult year weightwise and regained everything I shed the year before.
Well he other day when I was updating my site I found myself adding food diary and progress pages to the weight section of my website, I also set up a reward system for chocolate free days. chocolate being my biggest downfall as I am a real chocoholic.
The last few days my eating has been quite controlled. Let's just hope I can keep it up.
Childrens webpages [04 Jan 2002|05:13pm]
My 11 year old son has developed an
interest in digital dollmaking, he has begun to edit dolls and
eventually hopes to make his own. He wanted a website to put his dolls on so I created him a subdomain of my website, of course he didn't want a girly name so chose to call his site Demonic Dollies He hasn't got a lot up there yet but we worked together to create his graphics for the layout, e.g. he told me what he wanted but I did it for him. He says he will do his own dolls but prefers me to do his graphics if I don't mind.
My daughter already had her own site but as it was created with a wyswig web editor that is not compatible with IE6 could not update it. So I wrewrote the entire layout for her in mainly table form she can now update it easily herself.
But of course being as I was hosting her brother she wanted me to host her as well. It doesn't cost me anything to create subdomains so it was no problem. she can't quite decide what to call her site because it was a tribute site to Stephanie MacMahon Helmsley but she decided to expand it to include Britney spears. Temporarily she has called it Lisa's Idols
Blinkies and another win [27 Jan 2002|05:16pm]
An online friend of mine today made me
a blinkies it is absolutely gorgeous and I can't wait to use it so
I'm putting it here for now
Thanks Malisa. If you get the
chance visit her website Yummie Lil Creations
she's very creative and her site is well worth a visit.
This week
has been very good for my ego as my digital dolls have placed in
competitions twice this week my medieval doll came first and my
light the way doll came second. I've had that many contest places
now that I've had to split my awards up over 2 pages. I adore
digital dollies. I have been really pleased with the way my
dollmaking has improved
Free floating sadness and purple hair[27 Jan 2002|05:17pm]
I haven't felt like writing in my iary recently. I've felt kind of sad, not in anyway I can pin down, not over anything in particular just a kind of freefloating sadness hich has really got to me, I haven't written or even read my favourites.
Well somehow I 've risen out of it again. I still feel a bit sad off and on but it's not enveloping and overwhelming me.
I have decided this year to make some drastic changes to my image and appearance. I'm not waiting for the weight to go rather I'm starting to make changes now and hopefully the positive feelings about myself will help with the weight shedding.
My first change is I'm dyeing my hair, at the moment it's a sort of mousey brown with 30% grey, well as from next week it will be ... are you ready for it ... purple, bright vibrant purple.
At 41 I've decided I can say go fly to convention and do some of the things I've always wanted to do but never dared, let's face it it's all cosmetic and if I don't feel at home with it I can always grow it out. The funny thing is just the thought of changing it makes me walk taller. I went out on thursday and bought the dye and it made me feel really good about myself.
The way I look at it is the local kids allready make fun of me because of my weight calling out "saggie maggy" from a safe distance so if they laugh at my hair so what.
I'm gonna be fat, 41, with purple hair and anyone who doesn't like it can just get off MY world.
At the same time I am slowly during the year going to replace all the make do clothes in my wardrobes with clothes that I actually WANT to wear. Floaty feminine feeling garments, in silks, satins, velvets, and double jersey, in a range of red, black and purple's.
People have laughed at me and mocked me for years even whilst I've tried to walk the conventional line. Well I'm just not going to do it any more. Even if I have to get a sewing machine to get the sort of clothes I want in my size then that's what will happen. time to be totally me, to try out the little things I've always wanted.
I've talked to my children and they're happy for me to experiment with my look, they think it's cool. They're happy with it, I'm happy with it, even the half-husband says it's cool so the rest of the world can either like it or go fly.
Daft tests [03 Feb 2002|07:00pm]
I really love these online test thingies (like my perfect grammer and sentence formation)
So here are a few I did earlier
 I am
Mr Do.
I am sedentary by nature, enjoying
passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and
playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm
angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will
crush you. With apples. What Video
Game Character Are You?
|
 I am
Pacman.
I am an aggressive sort of
personality, out to get what I can, when I can. I prefer to
avoid confrontation, but sometimes when it's called for, I can
be a powerful character. I tend to be afflicted with munchies
constantly. What Video
Game Character Are You?
|
Take the What
animal
best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz
Sulking over Chocolate Cheesecake [03 Feb 2002|07:14pm]
I cannot believe I spent an hour and a half last night sulking over not getting chocolate cheesecake.
As the children were at their dads for the night I spent the night at my half-husbands flat, on Tuesday he said that he would get us a chocolate cheesecake for Saturday night and I was really looking forward to it.
Well I got there and he hadn't bought the cholcolate cheesecake he said he couldn't afford it after he had paid the landlord some of the rent arrears he owed him. Well I was a little pissed off but fair enough.
Then I get upstairs and he has a water bong ready loaded with draw ready to get himself stoned. Well this gave me the real arses. I said I didn't know you were getting draw this weekend. his reply was that it was nothing to do with the draw he was skint because of paying the rent.
So the draw was 3 times as expensive, but had nothing to do with him getting skint. AAAArrrghhh.
Well he ran me my bath and I was still sulking it was all I could do to ook at him and I was communicating in grunts. Yes I know it was a bit of an over reaction but for me it was about more than just the chocolate cheesecake it was about priorities. It was about me coming last as usual, about being let down again.
About him being fullof flowery words and promises and then coming through with nothing unless it was for him. It was just another straw on this camels back which this week is about ready to break.
Sometimes I almost hate him.
More silly testies [03 Feb 2002|08:41pm]
See which Greek
Goddess you are.
